If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it glows. i had to have it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
