Four minutes until I can fart!
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
