Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
