I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
