I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
