I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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