If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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