If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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