I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
