Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
