You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
