i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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