My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He passed out mid-signature
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
