two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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