College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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