I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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