If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
