During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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