Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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