I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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