I need to stop coming to work sober
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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