Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
