I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
