How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
In other news, I just burned my penis
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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