The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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