is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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