The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
