I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
