I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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