I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
