You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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