Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
