You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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