I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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