I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
