You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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