I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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