I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
