If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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