it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
