One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
