my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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