omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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