Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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