my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
