My hand turned me down
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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