Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize
