he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
