I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
