Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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