her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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