Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
