I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Of course I have a pirate flag
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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