I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
