the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize