can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
