Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
