So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
