omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
